The Waiting Game

Today is March 15, 2020 and this is just the beginning for North America. Luckily, I was given the green light to remain at home before the university moved online but I still don’t know whether I am carrying the virus or not, just like every other student. Even if symptoms don’t emerge in the next week, it is difficult to believe that I won’t become sick one day. While chances are low for my cohort, I’m not going to assume I am safe. At least now my worries are justified; two weeks ago I felt like I was losing my mind. To some degree I still feel this way, but the widespread lock-downs in Europe suggest M and I were on the right track this whole time. We wish we were wrong though.

I feel like I have a lot to say about this but the words won’t come. At this point, only music can describe how I’m feeling. Sorry, I don’t have a piece list yet, but I will sooner or later. Right now, it’s hard to concentrate on anything else but the virus and its impact. The struggle arises from attempts to cling to the old reality, the one where I was going to graduate in June or July, where I was going to see my grandparents again. The new reality, however, is very uncertain.

But you didn’t come here to hear about my feelings, I’m sure you’re here for my naive philosophical perspectives. Well, I’m going to give you all I got, and I think the only effective approach right now is through critical thinking and inquiry. Get ready, this is going to be a fucking bumpy ride.

Before we continue, make a promise to yourself right now: you will be honest with yourself to yourself. The only thing that might get you through this is your mindset. Granted, I am not a real philosopher, nor a therapist, nor a doctor, nor a leader. Take everything I say with a grain of salt, but I would like to offer some recommendations for others. Do not run from your mind. Listen to your thoughts, write them down, and counter them when appropriate. Find creative ways to keep yourself sane that does not involve television, internet, or Netflix. If you continue to lie to yourself, you put your life at risk.

The US is headed toward mass upheaval and violence. I don’t know about Canada, but I am becoming increasingly worried. They’re not acting because a) it’s technically too late and b) when it wasn’t, it didn’t seem appropriate. The minute this thing hit Iran the world should have halted all air travel, but isn’t that just the most hilarious wishful thinking. We are too entrenched in our economic system to do the right thing, and many have and will continue to suffer. You will be one of them unless you wake up right now and start identifying your priorities and the steps you ought to be taking to protect them.

In case you are still sceptical, let’s start brainstorming all the ways we are in existential trouble:

  • Potentially 14 days of asymptomatic transmission
  • Doesn’t play nicely with preexisting conditions
  • American healthcare systems + the overall health of the population
  • Just-in-time manufacturing, shipping, and selling
  • Dependency on other nations for producing materials or consumer goods, especially medicines
  • Cheap Saudi oil is undercutting Western outputs; Alberta is screwed
  • Russian soft power = disinformation
  • China’s influence in the UN Security Council and therefore the WHO

This is likely just the tip of the iceberg. Feel free to email me if you have a particularly hot take you’d like to add, and I will be sure to credit you.

Please be aware: the longer you wait to face this thing, the harder the slap on the face will be. Please also be aware that just because you’re ready to die, other’s aren’t ready for you to die. If you decide to give up, you’ll simply outsource the pain onto others. Never underestimate the impact you’ve made in someone’s life.

Dr. Vervaeke, I might never get the chance to mail you that card I wanted to. In case you ever read this, I want to thank you for your wisdom. In class years ago, you said the philosophy department at the University of Guelph was “going through a renaissance” and if you had never said that, I might not have ended up here. You introduced me to Diogenes and shed so much light on my theory of consciousness. Thank you, I hope we meet again. Your perspectives have made a huge difference for me and countless others I’m sure. Come to think of it, I could write acknowledgements for all my professors actually. If I get sick, I probably will.

Over the next couple of weeks, more people will be complaining about a lack of transparency, but turn the question back toward yourself. What are you failing to be transparent about? Why? Can you remedy it or will it cause the house of cards to fall? If this is the case, how many cards have you been stacking, and for how long? You can avoid these questions for now, but are you sure they won’t resurface when your body is incapacitated and your mind is free to roam?

I should be working on a rough draft of a paper right now but I can’t. I’m waiting for the bottom to fall out, for the riots to start, for the news of a dead family member. I know I’m early, this won’t be happening until April, so it will be a long and painful wait. I want to let go of our old reality so my mind can be congruent with the current, but when so many people are in denial it is difficult to do so. Additionally, this transition is slower than the speed of a thought, and like a tsunami, we’ll see it approaching long before the consequences impact our lives.

So how are we to deal with this anxiety? Breathing exercises aren’t enough, stashes of toilet paper can only quell your feelings to a certain degree, and optimism is like credit card debt. I stand and stare out the window at the river beneath me, wishing time would flow as fast as the current so I can be in a new place where things make more sense. That future, though, is going to be a nightmare, so as much as epistemic comfort is desired, it will come at a cost. The realization that those in power could have done more, that their money could have gone farther, that wrong decisions were made. Anxiety will harden into depression, depression will blister into rage, and rage will sublimate into regret. Be careful of your thoughts and behaviours over the next coming weeks, they will have a profound impact on your life and the lives of others.

Email me if you want to talk. A person I love dearly once said “the only thing we really have at the end of the day are other people” and we are about to lose a lot of them.

Comments are closed.