Personal – The Early Days

AI Image Generation 2.0

For a long time now, Neural Blender hasn’t been working for me. At first, I would just get a generic error after trying to generate an image, and so I stopped using it. I would check back every once in a while, but the issues persisted. Recently, I noticed that they changed their website so I hoped that this would include improvements made to the image generation aspect of it, but unfortunately, this is not the case. I liked Neural Blender because you didn’t need an account, you’d just go to the website and type in a prompt. They have since moved away from that model and now require an account to generate images. I figured I’d try signing up to see if it had started working again, but it has not. The images I create just hang in the “queued” stage, even after several days, maybe even weeks, of waiting.

So it is with a heavy heart that I am giving up on Neural Blender. After years and years of generating fun, interesting results, it has become unusable. In commemoration of all the good times we had together, here’s some pictures demonstrating how far they, and image generation in general, have come.

“Floral painting still life in the style of Cezanne”

“Dreamy paradise fruit still life painting”

“If you like pina coladas and getting caught in the rain”

“Love and hugs in tropical paradise at sunset”

“Rembrandt painting of disco in the 1980s Las Vegas”

“Miami party nights in the style of Rembrandt”

“Beautiful Renaissance nacho grande platter”

“The fall of Rome into space and time classic modern cubism”

“Apocalypse at Christmas impressionist style”

“Zombies and power outages at the mall and I only have a flashlight”

“Something lurking in the background is sneaking up on you”

“There is something behind you in the shadows”

Those were the days. I loved that middle era in AI image generation which yielded half-decent results. The results were somewhat recognizable with a heavy dose of surrealism. Later Neural Blender was fun too, as seen in the images on my AI Art page. Good for the most part but sometimes you’d get strange outcomes, like extra arms or garbled text. I always find the quirks and failures to be the most interesting part, and the reason I love working with AI image generation.

Since giving up on Neural Blender, I have switched to using aifreeforever.com in the default gpt2 setting. Using my benchmark prompt “ramen swimming pool” and its variants, I get some great images. This one was what I was envisioning when I thought of the prompt, so it’s nice to see it come to life:

I really like these ones too:

This one was interesting because I never specified “Islam” or “Muslim,” the generator added this on its own. It’s weird because ramen is a Japanese soup, often using pork bones to make the broth and usually topped with pieces of pork, as seen here. This makes it haram and as such, no Muslim would eat it or swim in it unless it was guaranteed to not include pork products.

I wanted to see what would happen if I swapped “pool” with “ocean” and the results are just as fun.

I need to do more testing, but it seems that rerunning the same text through the generator just provides the same picture again, even when using other Image Models like Nano Banana. This led me to adding different adjectives and descriptors to get some different results.

Fabulous. I especially love the signs, and the “no seaweed” rule made me laugh.

After a while of playing around with it though, I started to see the results deteriorating in ways which reminded me of Neural Blender’s outputs. Eventually, I received images of pools with floating bowls like I did before. Why this is, I’m not sure. The way the sentence is interpreted seems to be processed differently, making separate elements of the words and combining it after the fact, rather than blending them conceptually and making an image from the high-level idea. Either way, I enjoy using aifreeforever.com and am happy to have access to a good image generating site again.

Now, you may be wondering why I am so critical of AI yet use it to generate images. In general, I think AI and its overuse in many domains of life is not a good thing. Some applications are better than others though, and at the end of the day, AI is just a tool. Like fire and knives, they carry a degree of risk, but when used properly, can yield beneficial results. My concerns surrounding AI are directed at how we think of this tool, how it influences our lives, and the many ways it introduces risks to people, other living things, and societies. Being a writer, I will not use AI for any part of my work or processes because I want to become a better writer, not a lazier one. Because I invest my energy into writing and research, I outsource image generation to AI. I am not very good at drawing or painting, and while I like to practice at my own pace, I would rather use AI to create visual elements because it can produce great results very quickly. We all offset work and talent in other domains quite frequently, it’s just that AI has opened new doors for us. How many of you make your own ketchup or mayo? You could but that takes more time and effort than many would like to spend on these tasks. So you just use the store-bought version and no one thinks twice about it. I think we can think about AI in a similar way, it just depends on what you enjoy doing and what you’d prefer to outsource. If you really like mayo though, you might start making it yourself so you could play around with the ingredients and their ratios. Once I get better at illustration and using various mediums to create visual art, maybe I will rely less on AI image generators.

The YouTuber Real Life Fake Wizard has a good video on AI and our relationship with it, I recommend giving it a watch. Essentially, he states that we should be using it, within reason, because it will shift the way we work and live. Jobs that exist today are likely going to be replaced with AI applications, and we will need to adapt in response to a shifting job market. Remember that AI is just one example of automation, and automation as a phenomenon is definitely not going away. Whether replacing jobs with AIs is right or wrong is not the point, it’s inevitable given the incentives to make more, do more, with fewer inputs. It’s pure economics and as such, will march forward whether we like it or not. The people that do like and benefit from AI will continue to use it, and those that do not will fall behind. The question becomes, do you want to fall behind in this shifting landscape?

Personally, I’m not overly persuaded by this argument but I get it. It’s not the reason why I like AI image generators, but I can see myself using other AI applications for similar reasons. Becoming familiar and even skilled with these tools can help me in the long run, whether its job-related or not. While I like making videos to share my work with others, I’m not interested in becoming a YouTuber or animator. If there comes a day when I am financially able to hire artists and animators to help me make videos or images, I would prefer to help other people rather than the AI industry. That said, I am just getting started, so I need to take shortcuts where I can. That said, my love of AI image generation is similar to my love of jarred salsa. I know that it’s not as “good” as the handcrafted version, but there’s just something about it that I really enjoy.

“robots eating chips and salsa in a restaurant in Mexico”

jajaja si, la vida es mejor con salsa

June 13, 2026

Email Issues

Just a quick note to say that my email address is up and working again. Unbeknownst to me, there was an issue with a configuration setting on our email server, so for about 2 months, I wasn’t receiving emails. I thought it was odd that I wasn’t seeing anything come in but didn’t think the problem was on our end, until someone mentioned that he received a notification saying an email couldn’t be delivered. Sorry about that! >_<

January 4, 2026

Just Start Somewhere

Happy New Years, dear reader. It’s been a while, but I haven’t forgotten about you, and I hope you’ve been doing well. Do you have any resolutions for 2026? Any goals, wishes, or important dates planned for this year? Are you feeling eager, excited, nervous, or filled with dread? All of the above, you say? Yeah same.

Guys, I’ll be honest, I’m stuck and know I need to push hard to get out. At this point, there is only “work hard, plan harder” because “playing harder” is what I did last year. To be fair, it was a big year for me and, as such, was somewhat justified, but now the fireworks are through. Here we are, feeling lost and feeling blue.

I have a direction in mind, but I am working on summoning the energy at the end of the day to take the necessary steps. I have two blog entries I have been meaning to write and at least three videos I want to make. A collection of bad habits has become a cage of inertia, so the first thing to do is improve in these areas. Exercise, bedtimes, procrastination, you know the drill. All we can ever do is take it one day at a time and make good decisions throughout the day. Today’s good decision is to just start writing something, even if it is at 2am. As you can see, I haven’t written anything in a long time, and I feel so distant from where I once was. It used to pour out of me, but now, I struggle to even sit down at my desk. I also don’t feel like sewing, embroidering, painting, or anything remotely creative. I started a Christmas cross stitch in October and it’s almost finished, but there are so many days where I just don’t care. About anything, really, but then when I think about the alternative, namely staying where I am, it fills me with just enough frustration and determination to start the engines again.

So here is what I would like to strive for this year: weekly blog posts, in whatever form they may take, a response essay on Yuval Harari’s book Homo Deus, a video about my thesis, a video on my response to Homo Deus, that blog post on quantum consciousness and it’s connection to Bentov’s book Stalking the Wild Pendulum, an improved essay on Rosen’s Anticipatory Systems and its relation to AI, a video about this, as well as an essay and video discussing why AGI and SI is unlikely to come about. I’m getting so so so very sick and tired about all the AI hype, and given Harari’s thesis in Homo Deus, a thorough critique of AI is imperative for the future of humanity. I should also rewrite “Rescuing Qualia” because I am sure it would greatly benefit from more work.

Oh and just for fun, a light-hearted exploration of the plot of KPop Demon Hunters through an AI lens. A bit of a stretch for sure, but I think there’s something there. Admittedly, I haven’t spent a lot of time thinking about it, but instead of fighting demons, a group of people fighting AIs in various forms. Idk, there was just something about the climax of the story and how everyone was becoming zombie-like that reminds me of AI hype and how people are glued to their phones. Hypotized not by insecurities and shame, but by entertainment, convenience, and false promises. We’ll see how far I get with this one lol; it might not be that profound but it could be fun. The whole KDH phenomenon is giving me life tbh. EJAE especially though, her story of 10 years of struggle is pure Nietzschean gold. We’re gunna be golden, right? Right?? God help us all.

Also, I need to start doing yoga again. If there is one thing that reliably boosts creativity and a connection to Something Beyond, that is it. Currently, the signal is faint but it’s still there, I just need more of it for the strength to get through a day of challenging work only to come home to work hard.

So, let’s get down to business, to defeat the evil that only continues to grow and spread. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I really appreciate it. Again, every Sunday before 11:59pm, my goal is to have something new here. It won’t always be the Take Down that I live to produce, but it will be something. Godspeed dear reader, let’s fucking do this.

January 4, 2026

Graduation!

It’s hard to believe the Summer Solstice is this Saturday. Time just seems to fly by lately; both months and days disappear as quickly as they come.

Anyway, a long chapter of my life has finally come to a close. Last Thursday, I graduated with a doctoral degree at the University of Guelph. It’s official, and I am so relieved. It’s done and I am free. For the past ten years, I have been working toward this moment, and now I begin a new chapter of my life. In addition to relief, I feel worried about the future, as many grads probably do. What now? How do I use this degree to better my life? Why did I even do this?

I apologize for such a quiet start to the year, as I haven’t written very much at all. I can tell you specific reasons for why this is though; not as an excuse but an explanation. The line is thin, I know that. Still, my job has taken the majority of my energy lately, with the rest of it going into my relationships. January was inventory, and February was the beginning of our store’s renovations. Throughout, I have been working on my thesis and making the necessary changes. By the end of March, we had a draft ready for final comments and changes before entering the defence phase of the degree. I had a bit of a break from school as various people read my thesis and so I focused my attention on work and improving the store. That said, once a date for the defence was set, I began preparing for it on my off time. On April 25^th, I had verbal confirmation that I had passed and was set to graduate, but the finish line still needed crossing. The decision was “Satisfactory with Major Changes” and my Supervisor was going on vacation in a week and a half. So for the next five days, I made those changes and ensured my thesis was ready for publication. You can read it here.

Graduation was June 12^th and the convocation ceremony was very nice. I spent the day with my parents and partner, and we had a grand old time. My Grandfather was a Dr. Graham, and now I can proudly say I join him in this group of people. Cheers y’all.

So what now? I have no idea. The store still needs a lot of work, and that’s all I can think about these days. I have Spinoza’s Ethics on the go at the moment, but there are days when I just want to stare into the void instead. I really want to start Kant’s Critique of Pure Reason as well, but that’s not a book I will read on the bus to work. Instead, I need to focus my energy on writing so my blog doesn’t completely atrophy. That post on a quantum theory of consciousness still bothers me, and it is coming, but once I get home from a day of work, all I want to do is play Free Cell on my phone and listen to YouTube videos. The original inspiration for that post feels so far away, but I will return to it.

All I can do now is write. Things that I have wanted to write about for the past five or six years. Consciousness and esoteric stuff. Ideas that empiricists dismiss without consideration. Why? Because I can, and because I know life is more complicated than They want you to contemplate. I want to write on the problem of free will, because now that the problem of consciousness has been “solved,” I need something else to think about as I wait for the bus.

There is also much to say about AI, especially as LLMs and robots continue to improve. In its current, computerized form, AI cannot become conscious because it does not experience anything. There is no reason to worry about machine consciousness at the moment, and instead, we should be worrying about the people who own them. Consciousness arises from direct experience, and when it comes to machines, Pentti’s robot is the only one that truly experiences the world. The reason why is because its cognitive architecture has been designed as an integrated whole, built for the sake of the agent, not for specific outcomes or behaviours.

Thank you to everyone who helped me get to this moment. Your ideas, wisdom, support, and companionship will always be greatly appreciated. Stay tuned for more on consciousness and AI, because not only am I an “expert” but I have a lot to say. 😉

June 17, 2025

Quick Update

It’s hard to believe it is already December, this year seemed to fly by so quickly. Since my last post in late August, I’ve been primarily focusing on finishing up my thesis, which is why I haven’t added anything new here in quite a while. There are a few things I want to write about, but I really didn’t want to spend time working on them until I was closer to finishing. I have also been distracted with some sewing that I had put off for months, if not years. My job has inspired me to start up again, and of course, has also inspired me to begin working on additional projects. I am trying to finish what I have started before beginning something new, but that doesn’t always go very well. Eventually, photos will be posted. I’ve also been a little burnt out with writing, so the transition back to the material world has been a welcomed one.

Currently, I have a rough draft of my thesis ready for review, and in the new year, we will be setting a date to defend. I am very much looking forward to graduating so I can start thinking about a new YouTube video. It will probably be on my thesis, namely robot empathy and experience, but we’ll see. Many of these blog posts will also likely become videos in the future.

Throughout my research, a number of happy accidents and strange coincidences have occurred, with the latest one appearing a few months ago. I wanted to write on it back then, but it’s a minor point that isn’t all that ground-breaking today. It would have been when Hubert Dreyfus was writing on it, and essentially it’s this idea that there are two forms of knowledge: explicit or fact-based knowledge, and what Dreyfus calls know-how.¹ I had written a post on the idea of belief involving a relationship, citing an Iain McGilchrist’s paper which distinguishes between the French terms savior and connaître. Here again, reading Dreyfus’s What Computers Still Can’t Do, I see this distinction being made. Dreyfus’s argument is that it is impossible or nearly impossible to transform know-how into explicit knowledge which could be programmed into a computer. He appeals to phenomenology to demonstrate why this is the case, specifically that human life is organized around subjective experiences of the world. In a nutshell. The idea is that we ultimately act according to a world we have unconsciously or subconsciously modeled internally based on how it appears to the experiencing individual. For example, I don’t think about placing one foot in front of another as I walk, my attention is instead on what I want to eat later, and walking is merely an automatic skill I acquired as a baby. These kinds of skills are difficult to program into a computer using symbolic-reasoning, says Dreyfus, so an approach involving robots or AIs which learn from experience is a better path to take.

There isn’t much else to say on this distinction, other than it appearing again months after my post on McGilchrist. Connecting this idea of know-how back to belief, where belief “emerges through commitment and experience,”² we entrust that our bodies and the bodies of others can perform some action or feat. For example, even if I have never made a certain recipe before, I believe I can do it, or I believe that my Grandma can make it, given our experiences with other recipes. The truth of this becomes apparent when I “make a move”³ to give it a go; it either turns out alright or it doesn’t.

Anyway, the post I am working on currently is a connection between some ideas about consciousness discussed in Bentov’s Stalking the Wild Pendulum and panpsychism. There is a neat overlap that can be used to create an explanation for the feasibility of panpsychism, depending on how much Bentov’s ideas resonate with you. I used to be very dismissive of panpsychism until I read Bentov’s book, and so in an attempt to be charitable to some crazy ideas surrounding consciousness, I would like to explore these ideas with an open mind. Many people will not appreciate the degree of speculation and conjecture involved, but hey, life is short and very strange at times, so why not.

Works Cited

1 Hubert L. Dreyfus, What Computers Still Can’t Do: A Critique of Artificial Reason (Cambridge, Mass: MIT Press, 1992), xi.

2 Iain McGilchrist, “Cerebral Lateralization and Religion: A Phenomenological Approach,” Religion, Brain & Behavior 9, no. 4 (October 2, 2019): 328, https://doi.org/10.1080/2153599X.2019.1604411.

3 McGilchrist, 329.

December 3, 2024

Schiaparelli – Spring 2024 Couture

I learned about the Schiaparelli Baby from a video created by a channel I follow, and I wanted to mention it here because it’s funny and makes me think of a bedazzled iCub. I especially appreciate the use of electronics hardware with Swarovski crystals¹ but am sceptical about whether it’s really a robot² or just a doll that looks like a robot. I was hoping it was a real robot because I want to see it walk, it would probably cross the weirdness threshold into uncanny valley territory.

Its face is a little creepy, the copper coil eye seems both vacant and aghast.

The look following the baby, however, was far more impressive:

Although it could be argued that the baby serves as a depressing commentary on modern families in consumerist societies, the dress, on the other hand, is less of a tragic metaphor and more of a gaudy item of clothing. It’s commentary doesn’t explicitly discuss the deterioration of social relations Even then, the chaotic glam-tech maximalism really resonates with me, but if I were to wear it, I would replace the collarbone phone for a Nokia 3310.

Works Cited

Sarah Mower, ‘Schiaparelli Spring 2024 Couture Collection’, Vogue (blog), 22 January 2024, https://www.vogue.com/fashion-shows/spring-2024-couture/schiaparelli.
Elizabeth Paton, ‘The Hot New Accessory From the Paris Runways: A Robot Baby’, The New York Times, 22 January 2024, sec. Style, https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/22/style/robot-baby-schiaparelli-show.html.

February 12, 2024

Chaos in the System

As an argument against iCub’s ability to understand humans, I wanted to appeal to the work of Robert Rosen because I think it makes for a compelling argument about AI generally. To accomplish this, however, my project would start to go in a new direction which renders it less cohesive overall. Instead, the Rosen discussion is better served as a stand alone project because there is a lot of explaining yet to do, and maybe some objections that need discussing as well. This will need to wait but I can at least upload the draft for context on the previous post. There are a few corrections I still need to make but once it’s done, I will update this entry.

Instead, I will argue that the iCub is not the right system for social robots because its approach to modelling emotion is unlike the expression of emotions in humans. As a result, it cannot experience nor demonstrate empathy in virtue of the way it is built. The cognitive architecture used by iCub can recognize emotional cues in humans, however, this information is not experienced by the machine. Affective states in humans are bodily and contextual, but in iCub, they are represented by computer code to be used by the central processing unit. This is the general idea but I’m still working out the details.

That said, there is something interesting in Rosen’s idea about the connection between Gödel’s Incompleteness Theorem and the incompleteness between syntax and semantics. In particular, what he identifies is the problems generated from self-reference which leads the system to produce an inconsistency given its rule structure. The formal representation of an external referent, as an observable of a natural system, contains only the variables relevant for the referent within the formal system. Self-reference requires placing a variable within a wider scope, one which must be provided in the form of a natural system. Therefore, an indefinite collection of formal systems is required to capture a natural phenomenon. Sometimes a small collection is sufficient, while other times, systems are so complex that a collection of formal systems is insufficient for fully accounting for the natural phenomenon. Depending on the operations to be performed on the referent, it may break the system or lead to erroneous results. The chatbot says something weird or inappropriate.

In December, I presented this argument at a student conference and made a slideshow for it. Just a note: on the second slide I list the titles of my chapters, and because I won’t be pursuing the Rosen direction, the title of Chapter 4 will likely change. Anyway, the reading and writing on Rosen has taken me on a slight detour but a worthwhile one. Now, I need to begin research on emotions and embodiment, which is also interesting and will be useful for future projects as well. The light at the end of the tunnel has dimmed a bit but it’s still there, and my eyes have adjusted to the darkness so it’s fine.

This shift in directions makes me think about the relationship between chaos and order, and systems that swing between various states of orderliness. Without motion there would be rest and stagnation, so as much as change can be challenging, it can bring new opportunities. There is a duality inherent in everything, as listed as one of 7 Hermetic Principles. If an orderly, open system is met with factors which disrupts or disorganizes functioning, the system must undergo some degree of reorganization or compensation. The explanatory powers of the 7 Principles are not meant to relate to the external world in the way physics does, but relate to one’s perspective of events in the outside world. If one can shift their perspective accordingly, they operate as axioms for sense-making, their reality pertaining more to epistemology than ontology. We can be sceptical as to how these Principles manifest in the physical universe while feeling their reality in our lived experience of the world. They are to be studied from within rather than from without, and are thus more aligned with phenomenology than the sciences.

Metaphorically speaking, chaos injected into any well-ordered system has the potential to severely damage or disrupt it, requiring efforts to rebuild and reorganize to compensate for the effects of change. The outcome of this rebuilding process can be further degradation and maybe even collapse, however, it can lead to growth and better outcomes than if the shift had not occurred. It all depends on the system in question and the factors which impacted it, and probably the specific context in which the situation occurred, but it might depend on the system in question. Anyway, we substitute the idea of ‘chaos’ for ‘energy’ as movement or potential, thus establishing a connection to ‘light’ as a type of energy. Metaphorically, ‘light’ is also associated with knowledge and beneficence, so if the source of chaos is intentional and well-meaning, favourable changes can occur and thus a “light bringer” or “morning star” can be associated with positive connotations. Disrupting a well-ordered system without knowledge or a plan or good reasons is more likely to lead to further disorder and dysfunction, leading to negative or unfavourable outcomes. In this way, Lucifer can be associated with evil or descent.

This kind of exercise can help us make sense of our experiences and understanding, but they also give us into a window into the past and how other people may think. Myth and legend from cultures all over the world portray knowledge in metaphors which inspire those who come upon them for generations since. The metaphysics are not important, it’s the epistemology from the metaphors which can explain aspects of how the world works or why people think certain things or act in certain ways. It exists as poetry which needs interpreting and there is room for multiple perspectives, so not everyone appreciates it which is understandable. It is still valuable work to be done by someone though, and the more people the better.

★★★

Graham_Formal-Systems-of-Neurons-in-AI Download

February 6, 2024

Moving On Up

Given my last post, I should probably explain myself. I still don’t know what I’m doing but maybe simple acceptance isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. We have the power to change our circumstances, so why not give it a go? A saying I often think about is “ships aren’t built to sit in harbours” and while one can avoid risk this way, you also don’t get to see far off lands either.

Time to rebuild. What do I know? I know what I feel; phenomenology is a good place to start. I still stand behind everything I stated regarding qualia. There may be aspects to my hypothesis that might change or there might be something I’m missing, however, to state that the entire idea is wrong is a hastily generated conclusion.

There is probably more to consciousness than can be captured by our current scientific understanding, however, one must tread very carefully when moving in this direction. Figuring out what this involves and how it works is my new pet project and hopefully I can make some headway. I’m not in a rush though.

Here’s the big reveal: I read the CIA document titled Analysis and Assessment of Gateway Process in addition to Itzhak Bentov’s book Stalking the Wild Pendulum. Luckily for us, Thobey Campion has done some very important investigative journalism regarding the missing page 25 from the CIA document; thank you very much for your work Thobey. I strongly encourage you to read the Vice article about it while it’s still available. I have a hunch that this article won’t be around for a long time but hopefully I’m wrong.

I want someone to explain the physics to me like I’m 5 and stick around for a lengthy Q&A session. I want to know how this works in a way that connects to our current understanding of physics. Bentov’s book seems to get about halfway there but doesn’t explain all the details necessary to generate a full explanation of the phenomenon. If you know of anyone who has written about this, please email me because I’m very interested in exploring this further.

Page 25 is truly the most important page in the CIA document because it reiterates a certain truth that serves as the bedrock for creating the Philosopher’s Stone: self-awareness. Unwavering, unfiltered, unapologetic self-awareness.

“It was axiomatic to the mystic philosophers of old that the first step in personal maturity could be expressed in the aphorism: “Know thyself.” To them, the education of a man undertook, as its primary step, achievement of an introverted focus so that he learned what was within himself before attempting to approach the outside world. They rightly assumed that he could not effectively evaluate and cope with the world until he fully understood his personal psychological imbalance. The insights being provided by Twentieth Century psychology in this context through the use of various kinds of personality testing seem to be a revalidation of this ancient intuition. But no personality test, or series of tests, will ever replace the depth and fullness of the perception of self which can be achieved when the mind alters its state of consciousness sufficiently to perceive the very hologram of itself which it has projected into the universe in its proper context as part of the universal hologram in a totally holistic and intuitional way. This would seem to be one of the real promise of the Gateway Experience from the standpoint of its ability to provide a portal through which, based on months if not years of practice, the individual may pass in his search to find self, personal effectuality, and truth in the larger sense.”

The appeal to holograms here might rub some the wrong way, however, I think this has something to do with Kantian metaphysics. Specifically, that everything is just sense data, and while we don’t necessarily need to go full Berkeley, we must always remember that our experiences are simply appearances, not objective data. Where does certainty come from? The synthesis of a first-person perspective and third-person perspective. Do not simply defer to what everyone else says but do not ignore it either.

This I know. As do many others, many (most?) of which have lived before I or Bentov or anyone else around today. What I might add, though, is that it always takes two to tango. Men and women together as fully-developed agents even when it generates a conflict. When done in good faith, the outcome is so much more, so much greater, than either one alone.

July 21, 2023

Lost and Found

So much has happened since my last post and I can confidently say that I have no idea what I’m doing anymore and don’t really care either. Because it doesn’t matter. It’s freeing, you should try it.

What I do know, however, is that introspection and love are pretty much the only things that really matter. The cake is a lie.

I hope you are doing well, all things considered; I am thinking of you.

Thank you dear squirrel, whoever you are

May 26, 2023

Perfection as Asymptotic

Graphing the equation y=1/x produces some weird behaviour as x approaches 0; the limit is ∞ since it is impossible to divide by 0. The invisible line that seems to appear at x = 0 is called an asymptote, and therefore, anything that is asymptotic approaches “a given value as an expression containing a variable [which] tends towards infinity” (‘Definition of Asymptotic | dictionary.com’). Math jargon aside, the idea is that as the value of x becomes increasingly small, its corresponding y value will increase exponentially as the function seemingly “avoids” x = 0, where x can be either a negative and positive number.

This is what I imagine is taking place when reading about Kant’s idea of perfection in The Metaphysics of Morals. In part one of Doctrine of the Elements of Ethics, specifically Book II Section II §22, Kant explicitly states that ‘perfection’ refers to a continual striving toward an ideal, as he states that it is not possible to actually reach a final point or destination of some type (Kant 241). Therefore, we ought to orient our efforts toward the notion of betterment or personal growth, rather than actually achieving a state of perfection. As my partner puts it, “perfection necessarily includes the imperfections.”

Then by chance, if there is such a thing, some of Kant’s sentiments implicitly appeared in a book I finished recently about the work of Carl Jung by Mary Esther Harding. In the conclusion, she states “we should never forget that the world is made up of individuals, and that the one thing within our reach is our own development: it should not be neglected however much it may cost” (Harding 217). Personal growth is not easy, but it is the one aspect of our lives we have the most control over, despite how challenging it may feel in the moment. As such, we have a duty for striving toward a vague idea of perfection, all the while knowing that it is not meant to be achieved, which should come as a relief to many. One’s duty is to continuously try to do one’s best, and should that be insufficient or fail in some way, to reflect on it and accept it for its reality rather than feeling bad about it. According to Kant, this effort is what makes us more virtuous (Kant 242), and indeed, as one improves their skills in any domain, we are justified in having faith that our efforts do pay off eventually.

Although the word ‘virtuous’ is a quite rich and complex, or loaded, depending on one’s perspective, one way of thinking about it can be through the idea of a musician: Hilary Hahn is a virtuoso (virtuosa?) at the violin because she has this particular skill, but also because she “excels in musical technique or execution” (‘Definition of Virtuoso | dictionary.com’). Anyone who has trained in music or sports deeply understands that the only route toward improvement is practice, and as one continues to work, their abilities improve. Hilary will still make mistakes from time to time; she isn’t perfect but she understands that the only way to improve is to keep practicing until she can play Paganini or Sibelius as perfectly as possible on a given occasion. Never forget that the word ‘perfect’ is also a verb, as in “to perfect one’s skill”, and that because we will always be fallible and imperfect humans, are still vulnerable to making mistakes under certain conditions, like fatigue. Rather than worrying about “being perfect”, we ought to worry about striving toward betterment instead.

Maybe one poetic interpretation of the graph above is to view the x-axis as the number of mistakes made, while the y-axis represents one’s skill level: as the number of mistakes approaches zero, it can never actually be zero, and at the same time, one’s skill level only grows in value, approaching a never-ending concept like infinity, suggesting a boundlessness which is far more important, in my mind, than never making a mistake in the first place.

The moral of the story is that all the blood, sweat, and tears will pay off when one earnestly works toward one’s goals, provided acts of self-reflection about this progression are honest. If not, it will be difficult to determine just how to tailor one’s efforts in such a way which reduces certain mistakes or shortcomings. If one can accept that ‘perfection’ is not a final destination or state, but an activity, it seems as though just about anything is possible, albeit over an indefinite amount of time.

Works Cited

‘Definition of Asymptotic | Dictionary.com’. www.dictionary.com, https://www.dictionary.com/browse/asymptotic. Accessed 13 Oct. 2022.

‘Definition of Virtuoso | Dictionary.com’. www.dictionary.com, https://www.dictionary.com/browse/virtuoso. Accessed 13 Oct. 2022.

Harding, Mary Esther. The I and the Not-I: A Study In The Development of Consciousness. Princeton University Press, 1974.

Kant, Immanuel. The Metaphysics of Morals. Translated by Mary Gregor, Cambridge University Press, 1991.

October 13, 2022